I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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