when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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