I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
