I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
