i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I need a beard to bite.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
