just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
