If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
