I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
