Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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