Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
