He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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