I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
