dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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