keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
