Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
