how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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