sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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