seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
