we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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