Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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