I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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