sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize