sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
