I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
