I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
