Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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