i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
