Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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