My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
