Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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