Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
