Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize