Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You are a genius and a whore.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
