WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You need Xanax blowdarts
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
