dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
