I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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