I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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