i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
