I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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