I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
