remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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