Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
