She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
