Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
