Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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