How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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