mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
