Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
