Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
