Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
