haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize