Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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