What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
