You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
this boner is exhausting
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
