Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
