Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize