Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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