u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
